I Used To Be Your Customer. Goodbye.
10 Sure-Fire Ways to Lose Your Customers
Hi, I'm your customer. Or should I say I used to be your customer. See, we started to build this great relationship. You spent all this money to romance me into purchasing your product or service, then for some reason you just decided I wasn't that important anymore. So now it's goodbye. Adios. Au Revoir. But not only am I leaving, I'm taking my friends with me. Friends, neighbors, relatives, hey anyone who will listen to my experiences with you will decide that you're just not worth it.
You know what though? You will never hear me complain. I will just be gone. I won't come back and it will be up to you to figure out why.
So here are a few sure-fire tips for you to keep in mind if you want more and more people just like me.
- Make me wait for my order. Make sure you use an unreliable autoresponder. I love suspense. I love anticipation. After all, if I have to wait for the product it will just make me want it more.
- Don't put yourself in my shoes. Who wants to be a customer? Not you. You have enough to think about. The last thing you want to do is think about my needs.
- Mislead me. Be cute and just a little bit deceptive with your marketing. I like offers that are brain teasers. Make me get out a magnifying glass so I can read your fine print. I love using magnifying glasses. Make the offer so irresistible and too good to be true that I wont find out until later that I've been ripped off.
- Give refunds reluctantly if at all. Make sure I know how annoyed you are with me that I had the audacity to ask for a refund. I must be some kind of freeloader or scam artist. How dare I ask for a refund! Don't I realize how great your product is? I must not have read or used it thoroughly enough. Yes, that's it. It must be me. Whatever you do, don't try to make the product better when you get my refund request. I'm just some kind of nut.
- Take your time returning my emails and phone calls. It's important for your customers to know how important you think you are, and how unimportant I am. After all, you are extremely busy, and you don't have time to answer all your emails and return all your calls. Don't worry, it was nothing urgent.
- Be inaccessible. You have so much to do that there's no way that you, personally, could ever take a call. You are way too important. What was I thinking? Make sure you have a really good call screener who asks lots of probing questions of me when I try to speak to you. And make sure you have someone who will read your customer emails for you. There just aren't enough hours in the day to read the trivial needs of your customers when there's money to be made.
- Don't listen to my suggestions on how to make things better. What do I know? I have a lot of nerve actually thinking that I could suggest something. Sorry.
- Don't ever budge on your policies. Rules are rules. That's what they're there for. If I don't like it, tough. Maybe it will teach me a lesson.
- Raise your prices often and without warning, and never negotiate. Profit is King right? It's important that I understand how valuable your product is. If I can't afford it then I really should be working harder to make more money so I can deserve this product of yours. It's completely your right to raise your prices whenever you want. And don't bother warning me. I love surprises.
- Make changes to your business that are designed to be as easy as possible for you, regardless of what I may want. Look out for Number One at all times. That's the golden rule.
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