Argue for a Happy Marriage
Rules for Managing Constructive Differences
Married couples should not avoid arguements. Constructive arguements can be a strengthening force in a relationship because they bring tensions, frustrations and anger out into the open. The most common arguements are those over what I call tremendous trifles. Those things that constantly annoy a partner, like a wife leaving her pantyhose draped in the bathroom, or a husband never putting the top on the toothpaste. They are only small things but they nibble away at the foundations of a marriage if they are not talked about and resolved. When couples argue they are really trying to achieve greater intimacy. The opposite to love is not hate but indefference. So if they did not care for each other they would not bother argueing about things. Whatever was bugging one of them wouldn't matter to the other.
When an arguement degenerates into violence is has no value, no possibility of resolving whatever the problem is. Violence in a marriage accomplishes nothing. In fact, you are admitting defeat if you resort to abusing your partner. For arguements to be effective there are basic rules both partners should agree to observe.
1. Never argue in the bedroom. Argue anywhere else, kitchen, lounge, etc but never carry the arguement into the bedroom, Neither partner should punish the other by withholding sex.
2. Make an appointment to argue. Instead of dropping what you were doing to start a fight, make an appointment for the next day. then talk about whatever was bugging you. By that time you will be calmer and more rational.
3.Argue only about what is happening now. Confine you arguements to the event that is upsetting you. Do not bring in past disagreements or family behaviour or things that happened ten years ago.
4. Argue about the specific behaviour. Don't be derogatory and generalize about your partner when it is only the one aspect of his/her behaviour that has got you angry. Just tell your spouse what specific thing they did that you do not like.
More information in www.chooseyourlifepartner.com
About the Author
Derek Rintel is a psychologist and previously a counsellor with the Family Court of Australia. He spent most of his 35 year career studying and writing about marriage and relationships. See his blog www.belovewise.org
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