The Counter-Intuitive Approach to Forgiveness and Freedom

In 1998 my life wasn't working. I had lost my mother in 1995. My father took her life and I couldn't get over it. I continually grieved, I was depressed, and I was filled with shame and felt damaged by my family story. I had a knack for surrounding myself with friends who agreed with my state of blame and how unfair life was. After all, I had lost my family.

My friends had their reasons for their own unhappiness. They were bitter because they didn't get the jobs they wanted or were single and couldn't understand why there weren't more good men or why the right man wasn't there for them. I wasn't even looking for a relationship. Why should I? Look what happened in my family. Men weren't to be trusted. Moreover, the world wasn't to be trusted.

Truth was, I was living in the past and wishing I could turn back time. But I couldn't. I was mad as hell at my father and at myself for ever trusting him and then I was projecting my mistrust onto every other relationship I got into. I had as good a reason as any for blaming other people for my problems. Look at what my father took away from me! My friends were into agreement, so they all agreed.

Look at your own life and the reasons you have for blaming someone. Oftentimes, when I lead workshops now, people share their anger at a spouse who cheated or a parent that left or their anger at themselves for trusting a business partner that ripped them off. All good reasons for blame...and yet, they are the very things that bond these workshop participants to the past and to the person who hurt them.

My depression and lack of desire to live grew from this place of blame, powerlessness and apathy. I also felt entitled to a different outcome. Feelings of entitlement never lead to true prosperity or freedom.

As my pain grew, I started writing poetry as a release for my harmful thoughts. It wasn't something I thought about consciously doing. I just gave myself permission to do it during my sleepless nights. It felt like there was no alternative. I couldn't go on without sleep and with this ache in the pit of my stomach.

As an actress I was guided to put one of the poems up on its feet in an acting class in Los Angeles. When I did, something released in me. My secret shame was given a voice and given away. As it was witnessed, then I started to heal.

The key here was that I wasn't sharing my stories to get comfort or agreement from anyone-I was sharing as an exercise in being authentic and truthful about where I was in my life. I didn't want to be a victim anymore. I just wanted to be witnessed.

Other people shared with me about their own sense of aloneness and being different and their pain. Within the sharing came relief and a sense of belonging.

I developed my poetry into a story telling exercise and when I did I had to inhabit the characters of my mother and father. I lived as my father and I connected to his dreams, desires, and frailties. He was no longer one note, a person with nothing but evil in him, as I had believe him to be for several years.

At the same time I started looking at what I was responsible for. I surely couldn't be responsible for my father taking my mother's life. I realized consciously that I also couldn't be responsible for saving my mother. We all have our own paths and life plans.

I was responsible for was how I had been holding on to my pain as an excuse for not living, not trusting, not having joy and not being in a loving relationship. My pain and irresponsibility bonded me to other people who also lived from this place of blaming the world for their problems. It was a dark, lonely and unhappy place.

But how could I change this belief that I was damaged and my father was responsible for my unhappiness? I had made this story of my life true for so long.

Here's what I did: I learned to separate the story from the facts. Yes, my father shot and killed my mother. But here it was three years later and my anger/ resentment/ and unforgiveness of this event kept me replaying my mother's death and the pain surrounding it over and over again. It kept me alone and unsuccessful.

The story I told myself was that I was alone now and no one would want me. The story I told myself is that I didn't deserve happiness because I let my mother die. The story I told myself is that I couldn't trust anyone because I trusted my father and he killed my mother.

Stories can be changed and I realized it was time to change mine if I ever wanted to experience freedom and joy again.

I took responsibility for the unhealthy choices I had been making that were keeping me alone and in fear and I forgave myself at the same time. I took responsibility for allowing people to treat me poorly and as I started to connect with the innate beauty and wisdom I had within myself I attracted friends into my life that were more successful and loving. Like definitely attracts like.

Look around to see a reflection of your values and your beliefs about life. Are "your people" positive and open or are their hearts closed and do they live from a place of blame?

I started to take responsibility for my feelings by not making them wrong and also not blaming someone else for them. I gave them a healthy outlet through my journaling.

What does this mean for you?

Take a look at your life and take full responsibility for everything; not in a guilt-inducing kind of way. Take responsibility and love yourself through it.

If you're in an unhealthy relationship-look at your choices, own them and make a change. If you're suffering with an illness, examine your thought-patterns. It's time to be a fierce warrior for your mental and physical health. Are you replaying negative thoughts because of the pain you're in? If you are, I invite you to take a look at Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life for guidance on how to create better thoughts. If you are treating yourself poorly by having an addiction—be kind to yourself, get honest and get the support you need. Excuses will not bring happiness.

It has been 14 years since my mom died. Because I have taken 100% responsibility for my life, I am living a joyful, on-purpose existence. That's not to say that I am not challenged from time to time. I am no different than any else in that. The difference in my own life now, is that I deal with my challenges as consciously as I can. I bring my dark thoughts and fears into the light so I can deal with them. I continue to study with master teachers and meditate to bring equanimity to my days. I've written a book about my life and the steps I took to heal, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable. Through my internationally-produced one-woman show, My Brooklyn Hamlet, I creatively express myself by performing. my one-woman show My Brooklyn Hamlet internationally. I'm a transformational life coach, and am constantly inspired by my clients. I speak for various communities and I have been in the most loving relationship of my life for the last nine years. I travel. I have time to volunteer for causes close to my heart (like raising money and awareness about domestic violence) and I lead workshops on forgiveness and setting healthy boundaries.

I am hopeful and excited for you to find out what will open up for you when you take responsibility for your emotions and circumstances. May you be as well.

Comments? Questions? Email Here

© HowtoAdvice.com

How to Advice .com