The Emotional Stages of Divorce

It can be an affair. It can be a long and painful history of verbal and emotional abuse. It can be dead boredom or a rebellion against the rut into which daily existence has fallen. It can even be the classic case of someone lost at sea, who never returns. Whatever the reason may be, there is no one who has been able to go through a divorce unemotionally. Like all great human events, like marriage, birth, or death, divorce too has its stages. It is never possible to make an average estimation of human emotions, but it is possible to make an estimate of all. This is what makes a novel or a movie appeal to so many people across the barriers of country and culture. There are some emotions that we all recognise, and can identify with at varying degrees.

<b>During Divorce </b>

Doubt: This is the first thing that comes to mind. Marriage, even today, is a serious matter, and no one can be sure at the first go that they want to step out of it. The doubts encompass not just the decision to divorce, but deeper matters as well. This is when one begins to doubt the relevance of marriage itself, questions the real meaning of the set of ethics we are taught since childhood, and the wonders about the worth of human emotions. Counsellors suggest that no matter how tough, the ‘second thought’ syndrome is always welcome. Nothing can be more foolish than jumping into one of the greatest decisions of your life on the spur of the moment.

Fear, Worry, Insecurity: The people of the UK are quite conscious of their assets, maybe because they really have to work hard to gather them. Once the initial doubts are sealed, a man or a woman usually starts to think about the oncoming economic upheaval. A millionaire will think about the best way to keep the assets intact, a bankrupt will think where to put up next. An average couple will try to come to some kind of conclusion concerning the capital and the property. This is when those who are unemployed should seriously begin the job hunt. This is also the stage where the greatest insecurities come to the forefront.

Pain and Hatred: Two persons who had once taken the vow of eternal love can be capable of unthinkable extremes of hate during the divorce procedure. It has been noted that many couples find it increasingly painful to go on as the divorce proceeds. They find their partners more and more hateful and repulsive, feeling the weight of all the stored-up grudges descending on them now.

Children: A divorce is most complicated for couples with children, especially very young ones. The custody warfare gets launched usually even before the papers are processed, and drags on for the rest of their lifetime.

Nostalgia: It has been recorded that a lot of couples end up wasting loads of money over the ownership of mementos. Memories are very important for us, even if they are only a source of anger, grief and bitterness. After children and capital, the most disputed matter is the division of keepsakes.

<b>After Divorce </b>

The first question is- when does a divorce really end? It may be that moment when the final signature is done and the stamp affixed. It may happen when one returns home and discovers that all those things that made it ‘home’ have been removed.

Emptiness: Almost everyone who goes through a divorce complains of an emptiness when it’s all over. To cope with this, some people start drinking or smoking, some try to sleep it off, or eat through it. On the other side, some people take up physical activities like swimming, jogging, joining a gym or yoga classes.

Frustration: The divorce has hurt you, in every possible way. So you have to take it out on someone. Divorced husbands can make bad bosses; divorced wives may pick up a fight at the supermarket counter. It takes a flimsy or a non-existent ground to pick up that quarrel, or start that brawl.

Blame: One starts usually by looking for an external factor. Parents blame their children, sometimes bordering on violence, the job is blamed, the affair is the villain of the day, God has not been just, and all the friends are actually hypocrites. Self-blame is difficult to tackle. Self-pity is much easier, and it is more comfortable to sit and cry over one’s sad life, than go for introspection. Healing: Then there are those who can face themselves and the world again. They are the champions ultimately.

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