Online Dating and the 3 Cs: Relationship Shorthand for the 21st Century

Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk Sayers

One of the principle challenges of dating in any form is recognizing is recognizing Mr. Right, whatever we think that means. This isn't a dilemma that online dating invented or even one that online dating made worse. It may, however, have made it more obvious, simply because of the mechanics of how men and women meet, online. I'm going to suggest we table that discussion, for now in favor of considering something that can help us recognizing Mr. Right, however you met him. I call it "relationship shorthand." Once you've met, it hardly matters how you got together in the first place. The mechanics of courtship feels the way it always did...and this way of looking at the relationship will help you orchestrate success at all stages.

For now, I'd like to introduce what I call the 3 "C"s as a partial means of dealing effectively with the issue of relationship suitability, no matter how you meet. I call it relationship shorthand and while it isn't bullet proof, it's a great way of looking at relationships. Both the structure and the application are simple. One of my friends I discussed it with thought its simplicity was why it worked so well. The 3 "C"s stand for Content, Context and Comfort. The first two components came from my business and organizational development education. The third component grew out of an observation I made about personal relationships.

Content, as defined by the dictionary is, "that which is contained by something, as in the contents of a drawer." Both our lives as individuals and as a couple have content. It will come as a surprise to no one that the content is often changing. Life happens and it affects the content of our lives; and with whom you are likely to be compatible. That's why interests and work life will matter.

Context is the second component. Few things exist outside of a context, to include our lives. When we enter into a relationship in any form, how your context and "his" context fit together will be pivotally important. If your life's context is out of sync with his, the ride is likely to be bumpy. A mismatch in terms of your life's contextual realities and your partner's usually shows up in the unwelcome form of stress...which ultimately affects your relationship in ways you'd prefer it didn't. There isn't much you can do about contextual realities in the short run, so being sensitive to them up front is a prudent measure for both potential partners.

Last but not least is the comfort component. Your comfort is most reflected in how it feels to be together. When everything is clicking in your relationship, the content of your lives together and the contextual realities you share often combine to create comfort organically. Conversely, comfort can to some extent compensate for difficulties in either life content or contextual conflict; if both parties make an effort to "plus-up" the comfort factor for each other. It will work only for period of time if one but not the other is making this effort.

This is probably the time for me to mention my belief that no relationship will endure if any of these elements is conspicuously unfavorable for a prolonged period. This shows up especially in earlier stages. We will never be free of periods in the lives we lead when at least one of these components will get out of whack...perhaps even more than one. When that occurs, we make a decision to move on or to work through it, depending on how invested we are in our partner and an enduring relationship with him or her. But if it persists indefinitely, a relationship will often break under the strain, however well-intentioned we are.

What the 3 "C"s do best is organize our thinking about our relationship, whether it is in its early stages or at its more mature and advanced stages. As we've discussed earlier in this article, these components are interdependent and work together to create an environment in which we want to stay; or conversely, create one in which (hopefully) both parties recognize a need for change. That change may take the form of another relationship with someone better suited or it may mean an agreement to work together to improve the effects of one or more of the components on the relationship.

The 3 "C"s clear the fog and make discussion and decisions more focused. They serve as a framework for discussion of changes you can make cooperatively or as a non-confrontational way of discussing what may be fatally flawed in a relationship; and moving on with less hard feeling and angst. There's nothing magical about them. As with any thoughtful framework, it assumes both parties are committed to working together and it won't work if they aren't. But even used by an individual, it can serve as a great barometer for both the relationship potential as you're reading profiles and as a gut check as the relationship evolves.

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