Dating Advice:Deadline Junkie - No Time for Relationships

I want a relationship BUT...

When talking to singles there is one theme that I often hear "I would like to be in a relationship BUT I don't have the time". This is particularly prevalent for the 40 something age group. You are trying to build your careers, you have a lot of pressure and dating and finding a relationship is not top of your list. Although you think it is! Recently I asked a client to list her life goals in terms of priorities and relationships came 6th. She found this quite a revellation especially as I was working with her as a relationship coach.

Old habits - last minute

Old habits die hard. Most of us have been brought up with a last minute attitude. This orginated in our education system where external deadlines were what we were aiming at. Let's face it in the main we are not taught to plan our lives very effectively.

So we get used to back loading our tasks and activities. I have all these things to do and not much time so I don't need to think about this until the week before the deadline. Then the adrenaline kicks in and we push ourselves to the finishing post often accompanied by a lot of anxiety and stress. I have termed this kind of behaviour the 'deadline junkie'. You know that it would be better to arrange your life differently but somehow you are caught in a treadmill.

Relationship Time - speed-dating/internet dating/bar culture

How is this translated into the dating scene? Well we have all seen the ballooning of speed-dating, internet dating and the bar culture. These ways of meeting potential dates and finding relationships has become part of the 21st century culture because of peoples' percieved lack of time. If you perceive yourself as having little time then you look for the 'fastest' and most efficient way of doing things.

After all you meet a lot of people in a very short amount of time. This way of looking at dating and finding relationships is the 'numbers game' attitude. The more people I meet the more likely I am to meet someone who is for me. Well I would like to dispel the myth, it is not about numbers but essentially about quality and fit. How can you go about being more effective in finding quality and fit in dating and relationships?

Creating space and balance for relationships and dating

Creating space and balance in life sounds like an old cliche. BUT by being more pro-active in planning and taking steps to find more qulaity time for ativities you will be more likely to find quality relationships.

For a week note down hom much time you spend on the following activities: work,family/friends, dating activity (including all those hours on the internet), health, home, personal development plus any other major activity. Now think about the efficiency of these activities.

Research into relationships has shown that you are much more likely to meet someone if you are involved in an activity in which you both have a strong interest. This is not hanging about bars or speed-dating but something like off-road biking, photography, salsa dancy, volunteering etc. Whatever the activity that interests you, if at all possible something you are passionate about, then not only will you be balancing your life BUT be putting yourself in a situation where you are more likely to meet prospective quality dates.

Take the Time for Relationships

So take a cool hard look at the balance of your life. I work with people on their relationships and help them to plan their lives as successful singles whilst looking for a relationship. Being successfully single includes offering a potential relationship a fully rounded person not a 20 second response (this is what it takes in speed-dating & internet dating).

Any remember if you don't have much time then you want to use what you have as effectively and efficiently as possible to date and find the relationship. Remember if you fail to plan then you plan to fail.

Trisha Stone 2006

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