Counting the Cost of Nagging And Whining

A recent study seems to give aid and comfort to the whiners and nags of the world. The study didn't cause much excitement, but you might feel a palpable depression sweeping through as a result. The data seems to indicate that grinding down the will to live in others actually works! Apparently, when defenses go down, you can't put up a fight. In this way, the nag or whiner wins. Yippee!

Well, at least that's how some have interpreted some recent research. When I read about this (in an article in The Australian) I was left with some nagging questions.

I can accept the idea that this bad behavior works in the short term. But at what cost? What are the long term consequences? What happens to a relationship when this is the method used to get what a person wants? What is the natural reaction when you see a person who you know to whine and nag heading in your direction? And maybe more to the popint, what happens when you learn about the way these behaviors work, and learn how to counter it? Because you can counter it. I have thoroughly covered the strategic ways you can respond to crank turners in my books on difficult people and persuasive communication.

Sadly, the science driving the study gives us no such insights. Now, I don’t work in a lab, so I don't have much in the way of science to back me up on what I confess to be mostly my opinion, tempered with real world experience derived from over two and a half decades of my own studies into human behavior.

Granted, these behaviors work. Just not for long. And that point is often the breaking point in relationships, and the backlash can be significant. Nags and Whiners become unwanted and unwelcome. They come across as negative, obnoxious and oblivious to their effect on others. And those who deal with these bad behaviors tend to go out of their way to stay out of the way, and then become dismissive of more productive behaviors when coming from a grievous source. So, in other words, the bad behavior works, and then it doesn't. In the same way that a person becomes exhausted by dealing with nagging and whining, so nagging and whining exhaust their effectiveness. In what amounts to not much time at all, these behaviors provoke the opposite reaction to what they were meant to get in the first place.

If a person wants long term persuasive success, then building relationship almost always works better than tearing apart and beating others down. If a person wants the next interaction to be simpler than the last, more productive than then last, less work than the last, whining and nagging just don’t cut it.

I could go on, but I have no desire to be whiner or nag myself. I like people. I believe in their capacity to learn, grow and change for the better. And when I read about a study that could lead people to draw erroneous and potentially damaging conclusions, I am compelled to make the case clear for those with the desire to hear. Is the end near? No. It's right here.

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