Listen My Children and You Shall Be Heard

by Sue Urda

It seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? If you want someone to listen to you, you have to listen to them first, and then it’s your turn. Right? Why, then, do so many of us have trouble getting people to listen to us? We are talking to someone, they are looking at us and they appear to be listening - and yet sometimes we feel that we’re not really being listened to, or perhaps more importantly, that we’re not truly being heard.Listening well is a learned skill. Simply hearing the words is a physical function. The sound is processed in our brains. We then attach a certain level of importance to what we’ve just heard depending on the person we are listening to or the meaning of the topic to our lives. As children, we listen to our parents, because they are our strength, comfort, joy and our world. As we grow older, we become discerning and make more decisions about when we listen to our parents and when we follow our own path. We make more and more decisions about what is important to us. We listen to our teachers, because they are interesting or perhaps, we must listen to get good grades. We choose which people are our friends, and we listen to their advice and opinions. We even begin to speak using the same words and inflection as the people we like and spend lots of time with. Sometimes, we even begin to sound like them.Most people speak at a rate of 170-180 words per minute. Our brains can process approximately 600 words per minute. That’s one of the reasons we often find ourselves drifting while we are listening to a lecture, movie or conversation. To be fully engaged, it is necessary to completely concentrate on the words at hand - which is not as simple as it sounds. Often as someone is talking, our minds are racing, and we often finish their sentences in our minds before they finish speaking. Sometimes we find that our made up ending of the sentence is different than what they actually said, and we have to retrace in our minds what they actually said to get the true meaning. Truly listening is an art form. Our brains are like giant computers, constantly processing what is input. They react to all of our senses as well as keeping our bodies alive and healthy. The way our brain processes words is through a series of questions – What did she say? What does that mean literally? What does that mean to her? What does that mean to me? What should I say in response? And probably most important – What do I do about it? Although we are not aware of it, these questions are being asked and answered constantly in our minds, and what we say and do is the product of the way we have learned and how we have trained ourselves to respond and act.What do most people like to listen to above all else? Themselves talking. People truly like to listen to themselves, and most people think that everyone else likes listening to them too. Of course they think their thoughts and opinions are important – they are a part of them. Everyone likes to feel validated, important, vital, interesting, smart and funny, and often, even when they’re not these things, they think they are. Otherwise, why would they keep talking? Think about it for a second – why do you talk? And more specifically, why do you say what you say? You think it’s important. You think the other person needs to hear it. You need to get it off your chest. You need to validate that you are right about something. Perhaps at other less selfish times, you need to let someone know you love them, and that they are important to you. You want to boost their spirits, make them laugh, allay their fears, share something wonderful with them and spread some joy, laughter and love. You wish to communicate with them.So, at a base level, listening well is perhaps the most important aspect of communication, and it is certainly a very good start at truly understanding others. If someone feels that you truly understand them, then they are more likely to want to understand you – and listen to you. It’s the Law of Reciprocation in action. Are you a good listener? Are you engaged and interested? Do you truly care for the person speaking or at least care about the subject? Whatever the answer, whoever you are “listening” to knows. So be aware, be receptive, be responsive, be interested and interesting, and above all, be in the moment. Do this, and surely, they will listen when you speak.Now, that’s powerful!

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