Helping your child increase their S.E.L.F. Esteem
By Ron Huxley, LMFT http://parentingtoolbox.com
S = Support your child in his/her risk-taking behaviors. Self esteem comes from feelings of success at accomplishing difficult tasks. These tasks will differ for each child, based on their age and developmental ability. Each child should be their own measure. Do not compare your child with other children. Any effort towards mastery of a difficult project, job, or skill should be verbally praised regardless of whether it was accomplished correctly, perfectly, or even completely. Start with the child and praise the effort and then encourage the child to do more.
E = Evaluate your child's strengths and weaknesses. This may or may not be discussed with children depending on their ability to tolerate self-evaluation. Work on problem solving skills and look at difficult areas of their personality or behavior as "areas for growth." Keep your focus on solutions and don't dwell long on failures. Reframe a mistake as and effort for change, praising that effort. Identify ways to improve in the future.
L = Lower your expectations and don't compare your child to others. Many children avoid effort to avoid failure. Their reasoning is that "If you don't try, you don't fail." Of course if you don't try, you don't grow either. Set the standard for your child at the lowest level possible with the intent of raising it gradually over time. Lowering expectations doesn't mean you are letting your child get away with something or that they have won the manipulation game. It merely puts you and the child in a win/win position. You can then build from those successes. Read up on developmentally appropriate tasks and chores for children. What is normal for the age of your child? Many parents communicate to children as if they were little adults. Children are different in their physiology and psychology.
F = Feelings are a valid regardless of how negative they might be and should be acknowledged by the parent. This does not give permission for children to act out in inappropriate ways. Typical feelings will be frustration, anger, anxiety, and depression. If these feelings debilitate the child's ability to function in school or at home, consult with a professional. Ongoing communication will allow feelings to be expressed more readily. Closed communication or one-sided communication (lecturing, analyzing, criticizing, etc.) will decrease motivation to express feelings and create lower feelings of self-esteem.
About the Author
Ron is a child and family therapist, author and father of four. Get more tools and tips on parenting at http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html
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