You Don't Want to Live Together Just Yet, If Ever

So you're in a relationship. Things are great! You share a lot of quality time together. Communication is good. Consideration is given to the other person when making plans. Friends and family ask about each other's partner. You coordinate schedules and spend a considerable amount of time over each other's house. Like I said...things are great! You're building a relationship.

Even with all of this relationship building, you're able to maintain a separation of space. You have your friends. They have their friends. You have your place. They have their place. You're together, but still independent. Time continues to pass and then something changes. Your partner pops the question (often phrased in a manner that only an idiot would think that it was not a good idea), Why don't we move in together? And you are left standing, with only a few allowable seconds to be stunned, preventing the words, "Are you crazy?"and "Hell no!" from coming out of your mouth. At best you concede, "That's a thought."

So, how do you say now, without offending the person and placing undue strain on the relationship?

SITUATION FACTORS * Your relationship is good. You like spending time with the person; * You probably spend most nights together anyway. * Economically, there's no question that it makes sense to share household expenses. * You're not comfortable with what living together means to you in a relationship.

Bottom line...you're not ready to live together. This could be for a host of reasons, both healthy and unhealthy...but that's not the issue here. This is a readiness issue.

YOUR MESSAGE:

"I love (like) how we are right now. I'm not ready to move in together just yet. I don't want to rush anything that could potentially hurt our relationship because we moved too quickly. I care about you too much for that."

SAMPLE WORDS & PHRASES

*I don't want to rush a decision that deserves more time and thought. *I like how we are right now *I like missing you. *I'm not sure if we're ready yet. *Instead of deciding this moment, why don't we test the idea out over the next six months? Let's imagine every time we are around each other that we live together. Then, let's talk about what we liked and didn't like living together after this period is over. Then we can discuss whether we're ready.

WARNINGS!!!

Do not make the suggestion seem like a stupid idea in your verbal or body language-even if you think so.

*Do not say, yes, if you have doubts. *Do not say, no, without explanation sensitivity considerations. *Do not leave the question unanswered. *Do not feel pressured into a decision, even if it makes the most sense logically. You should not move in with your partner just because it's the best logical decision. There has to be an emotional commitment to the idea.

SENSITIVITY FACTORS

* The person may be in a bind financially or in an undesirable living situation (bad roommate, landlord issues, bad neighborhood, living with parents, etc.), and you want to help. * Person associates living together with further validation of the relationship and/or your feelings towards them. * Person may take your desire not to live together personally, as if it has something to do with them, and not with your desire to either, ease into this next level of togetherness slowly or maintain separate spaces.

You may feel that your resistance isn't warranted; but it's real, so you have to acknowledge it.

EXPRESSIVE METHODS:

* Handwritten message. * In person...close proximity, with eye contact. * Email-but it has to be sent on the same day as a pending in person encounter. Also...it can only be used as a prelude to a conversation. It cannot be the conversation.

SAMPLE DELIVERY METHODS:

* A letter. Sometimes it's best to go back to the basics. There's nothing like receiving a handwritten letter. It evidences importance, deliberate thought, time, and high value. * In person...over dinner. Start with..."I've been thinking..." or "I've really given some thought to what you said about us living together, and..." You have to set it up as thoughtful.

The most effective delivery message is in person. This subject matter requires in person consideration and follow-through.

WHAT TO EXPECT:

* The person feels rejected and distanced to manage feelings. * The need for further conversation. * A relationship shift to adjust to the new set of feelings from this new conversation. * New thoughts in consideration of the idea in the future.

If you were able to balance the sensitivity factors with the message...maybe they simply understand! (Rarely is it that easy, though.)

THOUGHTS FROM DR. MIKYTA DAUGHERTY, PhD

Here's the deal. If you tone the intensity of the question down a bit, you're basically asking - how do you reject someone, without hurting their feelings or affecting the relationship? Well peeps, I hate to break it to you, but it's nearly impossible! Allow me to explain.

This situation feels difficult because "we don't want to offend" anyone. Right? I mean in general, good people don't like to think of themselves as the cause of someone's sadness, disappointment, blah blah blah. And you're a good person, yes? Plus, you really like your partner and don't want them to feel bad. But that's just the thing! You can't totally prevent someone from feeling bad about something that feels bad. No matter how you say it. And hearing an unwanted "no" from your partner tends not to feel good. (Now, you can certainly make it worse by being cruel, but Lisa's sensitivity factors gives good ideas about what to say and what not to say). It's like, how do you tell someone they have a zit that needs popping without embarrassing them? You can be mindful of when you tell them, who's around when you tell them and how exactly you tell them - which may all prevent humiliation. But ultimately, that person will still feel embarrassed, even if they are thankful for your honesty.

Lastly, this situation feels difficult because we don't like to deal with our loved one's reaction to hurt feelings. You might have to give them extra attention, deflect defensiveness, quell fears about feelings of inadequacy; BUT try not to get mad at them for expressing hurt.

Sometimes it takes additional effort, but always patience and compassion.

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