Divorce: Help Your Child Feel At Home With Both Of You And Your New Partnerrs
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen
Adjusting to life after divorce can be especially challenging when there are children. Parents do not always feel comfortable with the new lover in their ex's life. Some of their concerns may be unreasonable, and a failure to move on after the marriage is ended. However, some concerns are legitimate, and based on fear of the new person's potential attitudes towards the ex and her kids.
Too often, the new lover is well aware that he is a replacement for the ex. Consequently, he is defensive and territorial about his place in his lover's life. He is likely to insert himself in the lover's interaction with her ex, and add to what is already a tense parenting relationship.
When this happens, several things can follow. The kids sense that the significant other has created a wedge between the parents, and can maximize their power. They can make false reports about the new adult to win the sympathy of their other parent, making the relationship with the ex and the new person harder to negotiate.
The new person may seem more liberal and understanding to the child. After all, she is trying to become friends, and is likely to present herself as less authoritarian then the child's other parent. In turn, the other parent feels left out in the cold, and helpless to control the child's actions and attitudes. Teenagers, who already feel tied down and misunderstood are most vulnerable to any adult attempts to win their favor in this way.
Adults should be aware of the dynamics of the new situation, and work together to manage the kids. These tips may help: '
1. The children should be taught to treat anybody in either household with respect, and each adult has a right to demand courtesy from them. There is never an excuse for bad manners, even if the child is unhappy or not thrilled to share his space with a particular adult. Violence is never appropriate, but stern reminders and consistent consequences should be employed where and when necessary. The child may miss being allowed to act out, , but he will get used to it if he is not rewarded for bad behavior.
2. The adults should also encourage children to treat everyone in both households with respect. You may not like your ex's new honey, and she may wish you'd get hit by a truck. However, using your kids to make this point is just cruel and stupid. If the new partner doesn't like the child, she won't be made welcome in the home. A child has a right to be a positive part of both parent's lives, and anything done to discourage good feelings between them is wrong.
If your son or daughter visits his other parent with the idea that he is being disloyal to you by being kind to the lover of the other, he will be under a lot of stress, and will not be as able to maintain a positive bond with the other parent. His visits will be viewed as necessary but dreadful interludes instead of the joyful, healthy occasions and times to share that they should be. It may be hard to keep your real feelings about your ex's lover to yourself, but your child should feel that it is all right to get to know the new person, and be comfortable making friends with him.
3. The significant other should never have to discipline the child. He does not have to tolerate rude or nasty behavior, and has the right to respond accordingly. However, decisions and actions regarding the child's schooling, friendships, or responsibilities, either in the home, school or church are best left to his parents. The parent and her partner should discuss their expectations privately, and the parent should enforce the rules decided upon. The new partner should not have to rear the child, and there will be much less family tension if he is not forced to do so.
If the adults keep the situation from being anymore awkward than necessary, children will be better able to adjust when a new lover becomes part of the family. It may be tempting to enlist a child's help in getting revenge against your ex by encouraging the child to be rude and difficult to your ex's new partner. However, it is the child who will have to live with the fall out, and the results can be traumatic. If the child is encouraged to acquaint himself with your ex's new partner, and even try to become friends, his adjustment to the new situation will be healthier, and make his life a lot easier.
About the Author
A law practice doesn't always make perfect, but it does provide interesting stories. To see what I mean, join me on my blog: http://www.couple-or-not.com/blog/ And, if you have legal questions, writ to me at thelawlady@couple-or-not.com for a quick thorough response.
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