When Marriage Counseling Doesn't Work

I love my work. If it didn't give me satisfaction, I wouldn't do it, regardless of how much I were getting paid. I'm passionate about marriage counseling. There's joy in watching people get that "aha" experience when they understand the pain they inadvertantly inflicted on their partner. It's a privilege to watch people connect in a way they were previously afraid to.

That's when it's working. There are, however, three situations in which it doesn't work.

1. It's too trying.

Let's take a hypothetical case of Lynn and Len. Lynn is a tough woman. She thinks she's strong and assertive, but in reality she's callous and bossy. Not only that, should she not get her way, she has an explosion. But Lynn really does mean well and she decided to take the bull by the horns and start marriage counseling.

The process isn't easy. Lynn now hears from Len over and over all her mistakes. Even a person with a strong sense of pride in herself will not want to experience that for too long.

Therapy doesn't have to go this way. A skillful marriage counselor must attend to the needs of each individual in the relationship while working with the couple together. That means recognizing that as an abuser and also a victim, Lynn has special needs for healing that the therapist must work on with her. It's important for Lynn to learn her first and most important lesson in healing: to take some deep breaths and relax in the face of stress. With practice, this actually will change the wiring of her brain from signaling "stress" to signaling "I can handle this." There is no getting away from the fact that looking at what Lynn did to hurt someone she loves is painful. This and other lessons are part of therapy and she may not be ready to face them.

2. Selfishness.

Being selfish means a person thinks in terms of what he or she can get from the relationship and not what he or she should give to it. Let's say for example that Len is a very giving person. He gives and gives, and what happens? It's never enough! Lynn, if she is truly selfish, will never be satisfied. So no matter how much Len gives, Lynn will berate him for his failures. Being selfish is in the heart of the bearer; therapy will only work if Lynn were to recognize this and want to change.

The solution for self-centeredness is for Lynn to come to see that she is never going to be happy that way. She must renounce her self-centeredness and work hard in therapy to become a giver. Only with this step will therapy work and this is quite rare.

3. The therapist just sits and listens.

Therapists educated to believe that people have it within them to change are certainly correct, but sometimes direction is needed. If a marriage counselor just sits and listens, this may or may not help a person feel validated, but more is needed. Clients need to know what to do. Lynn for example, needs to learn how to ask for what she wants, how to stop a verbal attack before it starts, how to self-sooth before her emotions get the best of her—and more. Len needs to learn boundaries, what to say when Lynn backslides, and techniques for healing from the years of torment—and more. Marriage counseling must go beyond helping a person feel validated if the marriage is to be turned around. And that takes special skills.

Be sure to check out your marriage counselor carefully.

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