Don't Collaborate with Mental or Physical Mistreatment
Do not confuse a partner's right to independence with what is part of a realistic relational understanding. If your partner continually arrives after they've promised for supper, it really is appropriate to require he keep his promise. When you can, insist your partner keep his word and if he chooses to continue to overlook you, create effective consequences; the more creative the aftermaths, the better.
Just as important, let the effects fit the situation. For instance, with a continually tardy mate, you might stop taking him into mind for your evening plans. Eat when and where you want, without discussing it with him. Once your lover comes home enough times to deal with a cold meal or an empty home, he will possibly learn to become timely. Or perhaps you'll not be held up or disappointed. Whatever you do, make an impression.
One client of mine recently described a yachting getaway with her husband. When they started getting ready to set sail, he trained her to maneuver quickly - by knowingly pinning her leg in between the dock and their forty-foot boat. Regardless of this voyage into Stephen King-land, the client was not sure this qualified as abuse.
If you are ever uncertain, but perhaps believe, that you're in a seriously abusive relationship, look for professional help immediately. In the same way it is with the most challenging prisoners of war, the longer you are victimized, the more tough it can be to stand up and break out of it... and the more complicated it becomes to even notice that you're being abused.
Don't fool yourself that it'll improve by itself, or that if you just did the right thing you may make it stop, or that in some way you need to be mistreated. It does not get better on it's own. There is no doing the right thing, apart from leaving. And even though your child years might have conditioned you to be mistreated, not a soul deserves it.
Do not collaborate with mistreatment:
1. Compose a list of your spouse's behavior that may be considered abusive.
2. Call a help hot-line (it's not necessary to give your name) or see a mental health care worker and ask for an expert opinion about whether the behavior is abusive.
3. If it is, go to a mental health company or specialist dealing with abuse.
About the Author
Jonathan Goodman-Herrick works with teenagers, families, couples and individual adults in Marin County, California and sees a wide range of patients with personal issues ranging from marital conflict and anxiety to sexual abuse and substance abuse. Learn more about successful marriage counseling and relationships by visiting Marin Couples Counseling at http://www.marincouplescounseling.com/
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