How to be Angry
If anger is a sin then we are all sinners.
Few of us have gone through life without occasional disappointment in ourselves over an exaggerated outburst of anger. Apologizing for losing one's temper means we know it was the wrong thing to do but that rarely stops us from losing our temper again in future. It is the one imperfection we can all readily admit to, yet it is the one flaw we will all likely take to our graves - at least to some extent.
So does that mean we leave things as they are and never try to work on ourselves to improve our temperament?
On the one hand, acceptance has to be our starting point. No self improvement can ever take place without it. Anger is a part of who we are - it's a symptom of the human condition. It is always, one way or another, a reaction to the environment around us - whether the immediate scene unfolding in the here and now, or some experiences from the past that are resurrecting in the present moment. Either way, the starting point is to understand that the source is never us at our deepest core level of self. But we live in the world and so we will react to it, and part of this reaction is the inevitability of anger. Nevertheless, none of this means that we should avoid the ongoing work of keeping our anger under check. It's a deep balancing act, albeit one we will likely never perfect.
What is perfect? Well given that sadness, fear, pain and disappointment are inevitable in life, there are two ways we can process our consequently arising anger; the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is ejection, suppression or distraction. We can eject it outwards through shouting, disruption or violence or we can suppress it inside and try to pretend we're not really perturbed and everything is fine. Note however that suppression is merely a delayed form of ejection; one way or another, at some juncture in the future we will bring it out. The other wrong way is distraction and that is trying to anaesthetise ourselves out of the situation with drink, drugs or sex.
The right way, on the other hand, is to face and be with the anger. I am talking here about an internal process - one in which we allow ourselves to feel the pain, almost in a physical way, inside of us - to hold it and not fear it (several meditation techniques can be useful here, but just being still and feeling the deep sensations within the body is a good start). This way we are truly processing it. It's not fun at first and there is always resistance, but in time it begins to transform into something we can handle, and in fact we will be truly growing from it at a deeper level. The processing will then allow us to openly and calmly address the cause of our anger. By doing it this way - without the high emotion and volatility that comes with uninhibited anger - we can be far more effective in getting our point across. So, sure, say you're angry, be open about what has made you angry, express yourself assertively, but without rancour.
Now, I say this is the right way, but the fact is we won't always manage it. Sometimes - either because of what's just happened or some issues bubbling up from our past - we will overreact. That is inevitable too. We should'nt then go on to overly punish ourselves when we do, or this will just perpetuate the cycle. Acknowledge the overreaction, feel the disappointment, accept yourself for the way you are, but never cease to strive for change.
About the Author
Dr Russell Razzaque is a practicing psychiatrist based in London, England. He earned his medical degree from the University of London, he is a member of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists and in 2009, after several years of development, he launched Sileotherapy ' a stillness based online self help program teaching people to go beyond thought and realise their true potential:
Tell others about
this page:
Comments? Questions? Email Here