Clarifying Your Values
Copyright (c) 2011 Bette Alkazian
Mt. Olympus vs. Mt. Vesuvius
Mt. Vesuvius, in Italy, is believed to be one of the most dangerous and most active volcanoes in the history of the world. It destroyed the City of Pompeii, among others, and is responsible for tens of thousands of deaths during its many violent eruptions.
Mt. Olympus, on the other hand, the highest mountain in Greece, is believed to have been the home of the beautiful, golden palaces of 12 Greek Gods, and it also housed the throne of Zeus, the supreme ruler of the Olympians.
Given the choice, which one would you want to visit? Violent volcano or beautiful palaces?
I use these two mountains as metaphors when working with parents as an illustration of whether they are headed toward chaos or order. It is a dramatic illustration, but an effective one.
How do we know in which direction we're headed…Mt. Vesuvius or Mt. Olympus?
Any successful business has a mission statement. A companys mission statement states the beliefs, aims, objectives, priorities, and goals in working together. It gives direction and states the purpose of the organization. Would not it be great if your family had a mission statement? Then, periodically, you could review it and know if you are headed toward Mt. Olympus or Mt. Vesuvius.
* What is your family's mission statement?
* What is your family's purpose? * What are your beliefs?
* What are your goals as a group?
* What direction do you want your family headed toward?
Note:
Develop a Family Mission Statement (FMS) together. This is a great exercise for your kids and lets you know where their priorities are or are not.
Teaching our kids values and the importance of goals are extremely important aspects of parenting. It is how we teach them what we believe and how to behave in any given situation.
Some of my own most closely-held values are in no particular order:
* Honesty
* Respect
* Responsibility
* Compassion
* Kindness
* Integrity
* Optimism
* Independence
* Resilience
* Generosity
* Community
* Friendship
* Spirituality
* Education
* Ambition
* Personal growth
* Consideration
* Love
I could go on and on.
What are yours? They do not have to be the same as mine, you just need to know what yours are and communicate them to your kids.
When we yell at our kids because we are feeling out of control, are we headed toward Mt. Olympus or Mt. Vesuvius? Vesuvius!
When we teach our kids about being a good friend or even model it by taking a friend some chicken soup when she has a cold, are we headed toward Mt. Olympus or Mt. Vesuvius? …Mt. Olympus!
When a friend hurts our feelings, but we try to see where their hurt comes from, are we headed toward Mt. Olympus or Mt. Vesuvius? Mt. Olympus!
Get the picture? We can always measure our own behavior and make a decision about it by asking ourselves which mountain we are headed toward at that time.
I have one particular pet peeve. Lying. I can not stand it! My friends and family know that I do not ever want to be lied to, and they know they can count on me to tell them the truth, too.
So often, I see parents who tell their kids, The cookies are all gone! When, in fact, the cookies are not all gone. The child took a cookie out of the package that still had many cookies remaining. Kids are not stupid. They know darn well that there are still cookies in there. Now, they think, Hmmm…I know this is an adult I can not trust. I know there are cookies in there. Does she think I am crazy? Mt. Vesuvius, here we come!
The real truth is that we want our kids to learn that eating one or two cookies is plenty. We need to teach them reasonableness, and personal responsibility. Most important, we want to teach our kids to speak the truth and to trust that we will speak the truth to them. As they get older, being comfortable telling the truth becomes ever more important as the stakes become higher.
Ok, let us just have two cookies, because dinner is in an hour and then we are putting the package away so we are not tempted to eat any more than that. We can have more later after dinner! Now, that is headed toward Mt. Olympus in the teaching-our-kids-reasonable-boundaries department!
When we are checking our email instead of listening to how our kids' day at school was, is that headed toward Mt. Olympus or Mt. Vesuvius? Ah…this one is a little bit trickier.
About the Author
Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT, a marriage and family psychologist, parenting coach and speaker, was one of the seven finalists out of 15,000+ applicants to become Good Morning America's Advice Guru. She is the author of Parenting Backwards. The mother of three daughters, her love of parenting shines through. Learn more about Bette at http://www.balancedparenting.com .
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