You Gotta Be Vulnerable to Be Strong

(excerpted from the book chapter You've Gotta' Flip It On Its Head! Four Key Strategies for Leadership Success in Awakening the Workplace 2)

In my coaching with leaders, I find they frequently discover that their long-held beliefs about what makes leaders successful flies directly in the face of what happens in real life. They demonstrate leadership characteristics based on commonly-held beliefs, such as:

Belief #1- All leaders must communicate verbally with power and charisma.

Belief #2- Leaders must convey a steely strength.

Belief #3- Leaders must compromise themselves for the good of the organization.

Belief #4- Previously-gained skills are the foundation for success at the next level.

Down the road, they get the startling wake-up call that these purposeful behaviours have not resulted in the successes they had hoped after all. Frankly, they would do better to flip these beliefs on their head!

True leadership success and your greatest impact comes from the flip side of behaviours that you may have been socialized to exhibit as a strong leader. Your real power lies in awakening to the leader already inside you rather than layering on externally-driven leadership qualities like a corporate cloak.

I invite you to consider how four leadership success strategies may apply to you. You've Gotta'…

1. Be Vulnerable to be Strong

2. Listen to Be Heard

3. Be Selfish to Serve

4. Let Go of What Got You Here

In this article, we consider what it means to demonstrate strength through vulnerability.

Success Strategy #1- You've Gotta' Be Vulnerable to be Strong

"Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong."

- Lao-Tzu (600 B.C.)

Think of times when you've felt vulnerable at work. Asking for help may have left you feeling vulnerable with the person you asked. Or, you may have experienced regret after admitting a weakness or disclosing a need for personal development to others. This is very natural in a society that teaches that vulnerability represents weakness. In fact, definitions of vulnerability refer to susceptibility to physical or emotional injury, criticism or attack.

Yet, time and again, I've seen employees walk over hot coals for leaders who express vulnerability versus those who convey omnipotence. It is difficult to hook in at an emotional level with a leader who wears an armor of perfection. Much of my coaching work with both male and female executives involves supporting them in removing the Teflon® layer of self-protection that gets in the way of their ability to lead from a place of true power. They are inevitably seen to be stronger leaders as they mature into the willingness to demonstrate vulnerability.

Leaders who are able to deliver effectively stated requests for help are seen as resourceful and strong individuals. When they demonstrate the humility to ask for help, they earn the respect of others. In turn, the leader who asks for help is strengthened by the very support that is provided.

Kira recently made a shift in how she was interacting with her boss. When he asked to prepare presentations, she assumed that she was expected to go away, develop the content, deliver it at the required meeting and then wait for feedback from her boss. Her boss was highly-regarded for the impact of his presentations and his openness in asking others for assistance. Kira, on the other hand, was well aware that presentations were not her strong suit. When she took a hard look at how this approach was working for her, Kira was able to see that she was not fully leveraging her boss's support. She could learn far more about creating presentations that have "oomph" by walking-through a draft with her boss-focusing on the content plus her delivery-and obtaining feedback earlier in the process.. So…she made the request for his upfront support.

The outcome? Her boss was delighted to coach Kira and was enthused about the opportunity to leverage his own strength and impart skills to her. By taking the time to work together preparing for a number of Kira's key presentations, she benefited from her boss' thought process. Kira's presentations now have punch! She delivers with the confidence of someone who has great material and is well-prepared. She now rarely needs corrective feedback after-the-fact. Equally important is that in the very act of asking for help, Kira has demonstrated to her boss that she is effectively leveraging resources around her.

Leaders also demonstrate strength in vulnerability through their response to receiving tough feedback. Many leaders have experienced 360 degree feedback assessments (surveys that provide feedback from the boss, peers and direct reports). In observing the reactions to feedback for more than 100 leaders, it is clear to me that those who benefit most from a 360 process are those that disclose the results and build collaborative development plans in response. Recently, one of my coaching clients was told by her peers that it was extremely brave of her to reveal the themes in her feedback. They admired this disclosure and even asked how they could support her. Of course, the more support she receives, the stronger she becomes.

The reinforcing cycle of strength through vulnerability continues to spiral upwards.

Coaching Questions:

How are your assumptions about vulnerability preventing you from building strong connection with others? If you had no concerns about being personally criticized, what might you disclose more openly?

Exercise:

Consider an important goal that you are stuck on right now and can't seem to gain any traction.

Think of someone you could ask for support to get you jump-started with respect to this goal. What specifically do you want to ask of them? How can you establish accountability to yourself to ask for help in achieving this goal? * all names and identifying details have been changed to protect client confidentiality

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