Sex, Diets and Success

Self-Help and the Merchants of Success

“Lose over 20 pounds per month - Enhance your love life - Stop being a prisoner of your job - It’s all up to you - Here’s the miracle formula - And we’re going to give it to you for free - Goal-setting will change your life - Throw off the shackles of the shoulds in your life - If you only invest in one program this year, this is the one - Millions have turned their lives around - If someone like this could do it, so can you - Imagine making 40, 50 or 100 thousand dollars a month all from your own part-time internet business - This will make you irresistible to women - Listen to what our successful clients have to say - Why wait when you can have everything you want right now - You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself - Only you can change your life - If you only had one day left to live what would you be doing? Live life like there is no tomorrow - Imagine the possibilities - The sky’s the limit.”

“Are you tired all the time? Overwhelmed by everything you have to do? Having trouble managing your time? Setting priorities is the answer. Do the big stuff first, then the pebbles and lastly put the sand in the jar around the other stuff. If you don’t do it, no one is going to do it for you.”

Sex, diets and success. You can have it all – except the weight of course.

Okay we get it. We are responsible for our own lives. We are the authors of our story. That’s the message the self-help industry has been drilling into our brains for decades.

The Real Consequences of the Self-Help Movement

But what has this acceptance of self-responsibility actually done to people? Surprisingly, the results are devastating.

The below-conscious logic goes like this:

If I’m responsible for myself and only I can solve my own problems and it’s up to me to make myself successful . . . then, who’s to blame when:

• My job is awful

• I can’t make ends meet or get out of debt

• I can’t lose weight

• I don’t have time to eat properly

• It’s hard to communicate with my partner

• My kids won’t do as they are told

• There is so much to do I can’t cope

• And I can’t get it up?

Is it any surprise why so many people report feelings of self-loathing? “I should have been able to do something about this, but I haven’t. So there is clearly something seriously the matter with me.” It’s even worse when someone has had success in a number of areas. “Why can’t I just conquer this problem when I’ve dealt with even harder issues? I’m a failure.”

According to the National Institutes of Health, for example, between 20 - 40 percent of adults are trying to lose weight and the most predictable reaction are feelings of blame or shame.*

This logic is invisible to the eye, inaudible to the ear, and yet the feelings of guilt and “it’s my fault” are there in the pit of the stomach. As soon as someone accepts the belief that everything is within their power, the logical conclusion is that they are to blame when there is something they haven’t overcome. And who doesn’t have unsolved problems in their life?

Maybe we have been sold a bill of goods. And this belief that we have failed at doing what every human being ought to be able to do, is exploited every day.

The Merchants of Success have the formula!

The Merchants of Success know we feel guilty about our failures. They use this to tempt us with seductive language and promises. And they know the formula that works:

1. The Hook

First they talk about possibilities, the sky’s the limit, think of all the ways you could benefit if you….. . . .to get you to imagine what life could be “if only”. They use what is called Options language. This language puts people into a creative, imaginative mindset where you can visualize any possibility and even begin to believe it. This is where you start to see your own private yacht.

2. Line

Second, they propose a solution and make it sound easy. In fact the solution often does it for you. You don’t need to take any initiative. Just sit back and let the money roll in. “This special vibrating belt will melt the pounds away.”

3. Sinker

Lastly come the testimonials. The show you how people just like you (or even better – complete losers) have turned their life around. If they can do it, so can you.

If they have hooked you in an area about which you are sensitive, you get so excited at finally having the solution, you sign up. Who can resist? Not me. Personally I have spent thousands on lose weight programs, since weight management has often been a challenge for me – and one about which I’ve felt guilty. Others spend a fortune on get-rich-quick schemes because they feel unfulfilled by their job.

The Letdown

Once a person has signed on, they are given lots of information. The first challenge is to make sense of everything. As you make your way through the process you are still hot to trot, especially when you see the Merchants have worked out all the details. “Yes, it’s true, all you have to do is follow the proven formula and it can all be yours.”

The problem is that actually following the system is as exciting as cleaning your room was when you were a kid. The only way to succeed is to relentlessly follow the step-by-step procedure laid out. They will give encouragement along the way to make you believe it’s easy. “All you have to do is follow the easy steps.”

Unfortunately, you signed up because they got you into the Options mode, feeling inspired by all the possibilities.** You are not in a Procedures mode*** where you would enjoy following through, attending to each step to complete and finish before you start the next thing. The Options way of thinking is diametrically opposed to the Procedures way of thinking.

But the Merchants of Success are so congruent and believable. Because they succeeded themselves, they believe anyone should be able to do it. What’s good for me is good for you. What’s good for GM is good for America. I too am a Merchant of Success. Among other products, I created a CD which shows you how to present ideas to skeptical people. To pry open mental space in even the most closed of minds, all you have to do is follow the step by step process.

I have learned from my own experience that even knowing the Merchants of Success sales formula will not protect you. The call is irresistible with “Options-imagine the possibilities” language, but the only way to succeed is by getting into Procedures mode. Most people attracted to the call will fail because they can’t follow the procedure, and then, having subscribed to the “you can do anything” belief, they will blame themselves and feel guilty. Then the Merchants can sell them the next miracle cure.

The Hope-Disappointment Cycle

Many self-described self-help junkies have a habit of starting projects without being able to complete them because they get distracted by other options and possibilities. They often find themselves at square one, wondering why they can’t succeed.

The consequences of this Hope-Disappointment Cycle are destructive. Even though it ought to be easy, I still couldn’t do it. Since each person is supposed to have all the resources she or he needs to be successful, the logical conclusion is “I am not good enough”.

But isn’t it also true that if we were really able to do anything we wanted, we would have already done it? Chronic self-dissatisfaction is no way to lead a life. Isn’t it okay to not be rich, famous, thin or irresistibly sexy?

Now what?

So now what do we do? How can we feel good about who we are and what we do and still continue growing and learning?

The choice isn’t obvious or easy. Self-improvement can be a trap or an opportunity and one size doesn’t fit all. Instead of: “You can be successful if only you knew, did, had…..”, becomes questions which only you can answer: “How do I do what I do best? How have I learned in the most positive way for myself and my environment (people in my life, etc.)?

And here is the challenge for myself as a writer and merchant of success. Now I want to give you my formula for self-examination, progress and personal change. I want to tell you that you need to be in a place where you are ready to examine your life. To get meaning from this journey, you will need to find a process that fits for you and follow it through to make sure you get the benefits and don’t simply waste your time by starting and not completing it. And I want to say that I believe it is a journey facilitated by the presence of another person or a group.

I am deeply convinced of this. And at the same time, once again, I am guilty of the hubris of a merchant of success who believes she knows what will work for others, because these strategies have worked for me.

So how do you find El Dorado, Mecca, Jerusalem and Nirvana? Should you reject all outside influences simply because they are selling something? Or would it be better if first you clarified what you want and need and how you live at your best, and then evaluated the endless possibilities offered to you by what fits with how you think and feel? And by which process you know you could follow and enjoy to achieve what is important to you. There are no limits to the things you can read, listen to, watch or attend. How will you decide what you want to learn next?

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*From Self Esteem in All Sizes by Erica Heilman, see http://dermnetnz.healthology.com

**Options refers to a Motivation Pattern that describes people who get motivated when they are imagining possibilities, creating alternatives and even breaking the rules. This is a highly creative pattern that has enabled many people to develop new ideas and processes. The downside of this pattern is the tendency not to complete what has been started because people in an Options mode are easily distracted by other possibilities. See also my book; Words That Change Minds.

** When someone is in a Procedure Pattern, they are motivated to take a logical step-by-step approach where the focus in on completing each step and then moving on to the next one and completing that. The Procedures mode is about completing what was started. For more information see my book, Words That Change Minds

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