Parenting For Confidence In Everyday Life
Close you eyes and imagine the scene described below: A mother stands in a pool, urging her 3-year-old, Mark, to jump into her arms. He isn't quite sure about doing this. He shrinks back, she cajoles and reassures. He backs away, she counters with both encouragement and admonishment. This tug-of-war continues for more than half an hour, with mom pressing Mark to do as she says, until he finally jumps. The water feels wonderful, and he discovers that there was nothing to fear after all.
Many mothers & fathers would place this experience under the heading of a success: Little Mark was reluctant to try something new, his parents prodded and pressured, until finally his resistance was broken and he learned he could do it. But due to the WAY he learned of this ability, there were also other ideas attached. ?I must not be very brave; I need to be pushed to do something challenging; etc.? His accomplishment is marred by the fact that he didn't accomplish it on his own.
His mother is likely to have formed similar ideas. ?He needs to be constantly persuaded and pushed; otherwise he won't try anything.? Such ideas turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, creating a style of parent-child interaction that repeats itself as Mark grows up.
This is but one example of how subtle nuances in parenting style can have a much bigger impact on children that mom or dad would ever imagine. By themselves, each incident like this will not amount to anything substantial. But repeated a thousand times in various circumstances as a child grows up, such interactions come to form the core of what a child thinks about themselves.
It's also an illustration of a much bigger parenting issue: the question of whether children are learning to depend on internal or external motivations. Most adults rely on external motivations: they instruct, dictate, tell and turn to brute force when necessary. Internal motivations - such as asking questions in order to help the child reach their own conclusions or promoting independence in kids - are utilized far less often.
Take your mind back to that swimming pool for a minute. Mark is on the edge, reluctant to take the plunge. But instead of hounding and pressuring him, mom might say something like: "I know you have the will and bravery inside you to jump. You just need a little encouragement. Remember that I love you and would never ask you to do something that would harm you. I know you'll be proud of yourself once you do this. So I'll be right here to catch you as soon as you are ready." She then waits patiently without saying a work. It takes about 2 minutes, and includes several starts and stops, but finally he leaps into her arms.
The same result has been reached: Mark jumped into the pool and discovered there was nothing to fear. But the environment in which he learned this led to entirely different messages about himself. His mother displayed a faith in Mark's courage and then stepped aside to let him to take the initiative. Since he wasn't hounded to act, the accomplishment was all his own.
Children are learning about themselves in every interaction we have with them. Whether we see our kids as competent and capable, or as helpless and dependent, will come through in our actions. This is not said to make parents overly paranoid or to infer that every interaction should adhere to a proper script (as if there could be a proper script for childrearing). We just want to encourage you to take a moment to think about the patterns you're laying down with your kids. Specifically . . .
A) In guiding a child's behavior, do you ask questions that allow them to come up with the proper action on their own, rather than telling them what they should do and think?
B) Do you give children adequate opportunity to do things for themselves before you step in to help them?
C) Do you show confidence and faith in their abilities?
D) Are your expectations encouraging competence, or dependence?
Without getting overly obsessive about it, consider whether your interactions support such principles. It is in these everyday moments, not all the unearned compliments or false praise you give, that children truly develop competence and self-esteem.
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