Brent Riggs - Dealing With Bad Family

How do you deal with hateful and trouble causing family members?

A reader asked: There is an immature, angry member of my extended family. They are not only truly hateful and argumentative, they have told blatant and dangerous lies about my family, specifically that my husband did something inappropriate. There is no doubt to anyone in the family that this is not true, but I'm wondering how to handle the situation, especially with the holidays coming and family events are being planned. I don't want to be around them, or want my family around them. Is that unchristian? Any advice?

You have every right to decide who can be around your family in a private situation/event in your "domain" (i.e, your house, your events, etc).

However, you do not have the right to force your convictions about another family member on other family members outside of your home. You certainly have the ability to choose not to attend an event at their house or any other location where the offending person might be present. It would not be right for you to tell other people who they can or can't invite to a gathering.

In addition, you should not feel the need to inform the rest of the family why you have declined an invitation unless they specifically ask. Then, you should explain in a non-gossipy, uncritical manner what the situation is. �We are not going to attend due to the situation between us and (the other family member).�

Due to the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, it is important to not let anyone in your family be alone with that person, if you do choose to attend a family function. Do not give any credibility to the accusations. Without evidence or witnesses, it becomes just hurtful talk.

As far as your attitude goes, it would only be unchristian if you were to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, do what you are able to do for the sake of peace, keeping things from escalating, BUT always protecting your family.

As a Christian, your marriage and your kids come first.

Go ahead and attend the holiday events. In these settings, act as if everything is fine. If this family member attempts to reconcile, by all means reciprocate. However, you must be careful and discerning as people often use reconciliation as a ploy to stir things up again.

DO NOT talk to others in your family about the family member in question. This is big temptation you need to stop, or avoid, whichever is the case. There is nothing good about getting everyone on "your side" or spreading around the "news" of this bad behavior under the guise of being "concerned". That would be gossip, plain and simple.

Ultra-immature and childish members of the extended family can be quite maddening, but they don't have to have power over you. YOU dictate the interaction with your family on YOUR turf, but you can only carefully manage the situation outside your own environment, like at this Thanksgiving event.

Don't force your other family members to try and side with you. The truth is plain enough. People can see... the troublemakers and liars in the family rarely have anyone fooled, except themselves. It is not fair for you to ask the other family members to abide by your convictions. Your only option is not to attend, or, hold a second event at your home and not invite them.

However, my nutshell advice to you is: allow them to visit your home with the stipulation there will be no fighting or angry outbursts or they will be asked to leave. Make sure no one in your immediate family is alone with them. Attend the other family functions but tell the host of each event you will immediately leave if that person starts an ugly scene.

Comments? Questions? Email Here

© HowtoAdvice.com

How to Advice .com