The cheese cake is better than the heart break
When they say this is ‘your’ life, trust me they are not lying. When they say life gives you chances, choices and changes, trust me they are not lying then either. What they don’t tell you is that sometimes, you will be making some ‘choices’ that will bring the most unbearable ‘changes’ and the direction of your life will be thrown to ‘chances’.
While I write this, I am heart broken. To be fair, broken is too modest a word, incapable of reflecting the tsunami of emotions, dangerously sitting at a brink of my eyes; only waiting to fall as tears. Now, I won’t say it is a bad thing; only that sometimes, the tears just don’t stop. And you wake up with puffy eyes, being sleep deprived, looking difficult-to-look-at; such that even your favourite red sweater fails quite miserably at adding colour to your sunken cheeks. Even, the treasured sight of that lovely cheese cake, sitting pretty with a placard reading.. ‘will you eat me already, I am melting’ doesn’t make you jump at it, literally!
I often find myself wondering; why am I unhappy? Why am I persistently enveloped with this feeling of being loveless and disoriented? Why am I here crying? Am I making the wrong decisions? Then why do they feel most right, when I make them? Why is it all so confusing? Why can’t life be as easy as choosing between a red velvet cake or a blueberry cheese cake? You make a choice, and voila! You are happy with getting either of them. Oh, I skipped the PMS. Am sorry but, why again!
I have realised three things so far. One, you need to love and respect yourself ‘the most’. Two, heart break is a common found phenomenon. Three, if a guy wants you, you will know. Not telepathically or by reading between the lines of his intermittent messages or by his assumed-to-be-something-but-meant-to-be-something-behaviour or by reading the articles titled “5 signs he is into you”. You will know because he will tell you. He will make you feel so. If, he doesn’t tell you, he doesn’t want you. If he doesn’t make you feel so, he doesn’t want you.
I struggled and struggled more because I just did not want to accept that he is not into me.
I turned a blind eye to my unanswered texts, he must be busy, I thought.
I was OK being rudely dismissed, he must be pissed at me, I must have done something to upset him, I thought.
He wants to sleep with me, he must be really in love with me, I thought.
He messages me late in the night, he thinks of me before he sleeps, of course I am not a booty call, I thought.
He keeps talking about how much he loved his ex-girlfriend. May be, he can love me too the same way. May be, I can make him love me, by being extra caring, extra loving, extra devoted. May be I am not giving him ‘enough extra’, I thought.
What I never thought of, was the loss of my self-confidence, the loss of self-love. No matter what I did for him, he just didn’t seem to appreciate it. No matter, how nicely I dressed; I never looked pretty to him. No matter, how hard I tried to love him; he just wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loved his ex-girlfriend. Never once I questioned his acts or rather non-acts, I only pitied mine. Obviously, the brain never registers your friends telling you to stop. Because, you want to give it a chance. Because, you feel may be he is the one. Because the concept of ‘happily ever after’ is way too glorified to not being wanted, exclusively.
Amidst the chaos, the confusion, his absence, lovelessness, hopelessness, self-pity, hundreds of sad romance movies and gallons of tears, I realised, what I am doing to myself. I am letting myself slip. He never loved me and in the process I stopped loving myself too. What more wrong can I do to myself?
It is now fairly established that you cannot force, coax, request, pray someone to feel something for you. Feelings are free willed. Set them free and let them find someone who wants to keep you. Not because, they cannot have anyone else, but because they don’t want anyone else. Remember, there is never an ‘enough’ extra.
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