Surprising Ways We Communicate with our Children

A week ago, my good friend and personal life coach, visited me from out of town. It was an exciting time for us because we have been coaching each other for over two years, but we had never met face to face. We enjoyed a wonderful time together at the Hearts at Home mom's conference, and even had time to spend an evening at home with my family. Once Debbie was settled back at home, we had a conversation about her experience with my family. She made a comment about my teenager that took me by surprise.

Debbie said, "Kai is very perceptive. He is listening to everything that is going on." I thought about the time she interacted with Kai and remembered that the majority of the time, Kai was in a different room on the computer. The rest of us were in the family room talking and watching our wedding video. I know that Debbie is highly intuitive so I certainly did not discount her perception. It got me thinking about how closely are children are watching and listening to us. So listen up and stay alert. It's not always the words we say to our children that communicate our most powerful messages.

Our most basic form of communicating with our children is in the words we say to them. "Suzi, please turn off the TV and do your homework now." "Hey, great job on your spelling test!" "How's your friend Tommy doing?" What we say to our children is important, and no doubt necessary, if we are going to have a relationship with them. Sometimes we say just the right words like "I love you", but others times we don't. Out of anger or frustration, we make hurtful comments that stick like glue to our children. Out of haste and business, we fall into a pattern of not communicating enough positive words. Our focus becomes about issuing commands or reprimands. We lecture with too many words and our children turn us off. For one week, try to notice all the great behaviors your children are displaying, and use your words to praise them.

How we say our words communicates much to our children. The same words said in a playful and loving tone can mean something very different when said in an angry or irritated tone. Sometimes when I am talking to my teenager, I am trying to communicate helpful words. But when my undertone is laced with fear or frustration, he does not feel encouraged. As a matter of fact, he feels criticized.

This is why it is important to realize when we say our words is critical to our communication with our children. Timing is everything. Communicating when you do not have control of your emotions is an example of poor timing. Hold your tongue, count to 10, and wait until you are calm. Sometimes as parents, we are calm, but our children are not. Maybe they've had a bad day or they are in the middle of a frustrating moment. Ask yourself whether this is the best time to say what you want to say. Sometimes waiting until the storm blows over can make a world of difference in how are words are received.

Have you ever been on the phone with a friend sharing something about your day? You forget that Joey is in the next room listening to every word you say. In the next moment, Joey chimes into the conversation, asking for clarification on what or who you're talking about. Now, you can use this form of communication as a positive reinforcement for your child. When talking to Grandma, tell her what a great job Maggie is doing with potty training. Believe me, Maggie will hear you. However, if you don't want your children to receive your words, be careful when you are talking to other people and your children are within earshot.

The things we don't say are powerful communicators to our children. Sometimes we don't say enough positive and encouraging words to our children. What is this telling our children? Other times we don't communicate something important to our children, like letting a judgmental comment they make pass us by. What are we teaching our children in this moment? The things we don't say can work in a positive way as well. If our children make a mistake, and you see the effects if has on them, sometimes saying nothing at all is the best way to handle things. By choosing not to lecture them, you allow your children to feel and suffer the natural consequences that come from making this mistake. Often times, we want to rescue our children and save them from feeling pain, but this does not teach them valuable lessons they sometimes need to learn.

The actions we take and the choices we make say a lot to our children. Whether it's a sigh, a roll of the eyes, or a lie we tell a stranger on the phone, our children are watching and listening. You know the saying, "Actions speak louder than words". I was born and raised in Missouri - the Show Me State. Words mean nothing if they are not backed by actions. Show your children how you want them to behave. Show your children that you love them. Show your children what you want them to value in life. By being their role model, you are communicating your expectations to them.

The other night my five year old was lying down in bed with me. He knows my routine by my actions. He asked me how much longer I was going to read. I told him I was finishing up the last two pages of a chapter and then I was going to turn off the light. He said to me, "Okay, I am going to fall asleep after you say your prayers". In a very subtle, but powerful way, I have communicated to my child that God and prayer are important.

What do you want to communicate to your children? Think about what you say, how you say it, when you communicate, the words you don't say, and your behaviors. These are all ways you can send heartfelt and encouraging messages to your children.

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