Self-Confidence: What Is It And How Can I Get It?
You Can Succeed
Self-confidence is a point of view that is conditioned through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.
For example: A young man wants to be a boxer, so he gets a manager and a trainer. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has generated enough stamina and skill. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a rival that he knows his fighter can crush. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain a feeling of belief in his capability.
With each fight, the manager puts his contestant up against a rival who is only a slightly better opponent then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young contender begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to grow. This scenario continues to repeat itself. And as long as the contender continues to win, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to grow.
If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Having true self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be able to do everything. Most people who have true self-confidence have sensible expectations. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.
People, who are not self-confident, tend to lean disproportionately on the approval of others in order to feel self-esteem. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.
On the other side of the coin, confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally have faith in their own abilities. They tend to acknowledge themselves; and they do not feel that they have to conform in order to be accepted.
Just because a person feels self-confidence in one or more aspects of their life, doesn't mean that they will feel confident in every part of their life. For example, a person might feel confident about their athletic ability, but not feel confident where members of the opposite sex are involved, such as in a dating situation, or social relationships.
HOW IS SELF-CONFIDENCE INITIALLY DEVELOPED?
Many realities bear on the maturation of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are crucial to the way children feel about themselves, particularly when they are very young. When parents provide acceptance, children receive a solid foundation for feelings of self-esteem. If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior.
However, if parents encourage a child's moves toward self-reliance, and they are not overly critical when the child makes mistakes, the child will learn to accept herself, and will be on the way to developing self-confidence.
A lack of confidence (is not necessarily related to a lack of ability. A lack of self-esteem is often the result of focusing too strongly on the unreal expectations of others, especially parents and friends. The power of friends can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.
Assumptions That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence
In response to external influences, people develop beliefs; some of these are helpful and some are not. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and alternative ways of thinking are:
ASSUMPTION: I must always be successful at everything. This assumption is a totally unrealistic assumption. In real life, each person has his strengths and his weaknesses. While it's important to do the best that you can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no person knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.
ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this assumption is a totally unrealistic assumption. All human beings are imperfect. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.
ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially influenced by external influences when you were a young child, as you grow to adulthood, you can gain understanding and a new point of view on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of your past. HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE
Emphasize Your Strengths. Give yourself credit for everything you can do. And give yourself recognition for every new adventure that you are willing to experience. Take risks. Adopt the point of view of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what doesn't work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can try something else.
Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as a technique to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that it's impossible to do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are improving.
Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many effective NLP and Hypnosis approaches that you can use to instill a tremendous amount of confidence from within your unconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!
Self-Evaluate: Learn to judge yourself independently. Avoid the continual sense of chaos that comes from relying on what other people think.
About the Author
Alan B. Densky, CH is a certified hypnotist and NLP Practitioner. His website offers self hypnosis CD's for self confidence. His Self-confidence CD's were reviewed by Personal-Development info in England. Visit him for Free self hypnosis & NLP newsletters and articles
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