Friends and Family Need Strength, Courage and Wisdom

Excessive Drinking is Difficult For Everyone

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. This Serenity prayer is repeated in church basements and meeting rooms all over the world at A.A. meetings and indeed gives an alcoholic the inner strength to carry on until their next meeting.

What about the family members who are caught on the emotional roller coaster that an alcoholic brings into their lives? THEY are truly the ones that give this prayer meaning. Spouses of an alcoholic are living their own personal hell every day. Many lack the strength, courage and wisdom necessary to make the tough decisions that need to be made to improve their quality of life, the life of the alcoholic they live with and to find that elusive serenity. The natural thing to do when living with an excessive drinking spouse is to initially deny there is a problem. You will tell yourself they're fine, they're just unwinding or they're still showing up for work so it can't be too bad. As the drinking problem gets worse you confront them about it and their response is to make you feel like it's none of your business; or worse they yell at you and retreat into even heavier drinking. It seems the only time you ever tell them they have a problem is when you are arguing about it. The arguments are becoming more frequent and you even start to welcome the chance to be alone AFTER the encounter is over.

You see what this excessive drinking of alcohol is doing to your loved one and so you decide to stop or curtail your own drinking in the hope that it will make your loved one do the same. Ironically this seems to make things worse. Now you seemingly have nothing in common and are spending even less time together than before. Oddly it seems to irritate the drinker that you have abandoned them.

Talking to your family will either validate what they may have already thought about this person or destroy any familial bonds that have been nurtured since introducing your family to your 'choice for life'. You decide to speak to your spouse's family since they presumably know the person best and will be able to help them. You are fearful of breaking the trust with your loved one but decide it's for there own good. You can't seem to get the courage up to speak to them about the problem but eventually you break down emotionally when alone with them and tell them everything.

You feel much better knowing that others close to your spouse now know about the problem and there is finally hope in action. Maybe now the alcoholic spouse will finally listen to someone else and get the help they need. You were surprised that your spouses' mother denied that there was any problem at all. She said you were over reacting and no child of hers had a drinking problem.

Thankfully other family members had also noticed a change and you coming forward have seemingly motivated them to do something. They will be talking to your spouse and arrange a time alone with them to hash the issue out. You insist on being there.

During this confrontation with your spouse you can see through your emotions that denial runs in the family as your spouse denies there is any drinking problem and has all kinds of excuses for their recent behavior. You also note with sadness the look of shock on your spouses face at your betrayal and this tears your heart out. Still you hope there will be some change in their destructive habits.

Over the next several days the enormity of events has lessened and your spouse has retreated into their own world. The drinking has continued seemingly unabated and you sense it's maybe gotten worse. The silence between you both is chilling and you realize that your speaking out has had no effect on the situation whatsoever. You now begin to feel your anger and desperation building daily.

Unbelievably you start considering your own options and escape but your bond with your spouse is still there. You remind yourself of what was once good about your lives together and you decide to stay longer in an increasingly desperate situation. You realize things are going to have to change but you are lost when trying to figure out what to do next.

What you really need is someone to listen to you who understands where you are at in your life. This person must be able to relate to your situation and you must respect their advice and opinions. They need to be non judgmental and be neutral. You really need to know that you are not alone in this and that the answers are there for you.

You really need someone to tell you what to do. Someone to reinforce what you already know needs to be done and perhaps give you options that you can take to your spouse or loved one. You really only need someone to strengthen your resolve so you can make the tough choices necessary to bring lives back to normal. This neutral party has to be able to give you the strength to confront the issue, the courage to make the changes needed regardless of what the outcome may be.

But most important the help you receive must provide you with the wisdom to meet the coming challenges with the knowledge that you are not alone and that there are ways to bring both of your lives back to when things were good. When the bond of love was strong and you did not feel powerless.

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