The Joy of An Ex - Kitchen Table Discussions
Copyright (c) 2011 Jackie Ramler
Direct discussions between spouses can advance matters greatly if approached with care and the right attitude. It isn't easy, but with appropriate effort, these negotiations can save a large amount of time and expense, and can help clarify what is important to the two of you, before professional advisors possibly begin to influence the issue agenda.
If you feel that you are ready to try to have a direct discussion to explore issues and make whatever headway you can, it is important to consider some of the following points before you start so you can maximize your chances of success.
Preparation - Can you do this? Be brutally honest about your ability to talk to each other: Can you explore issues in such a way that each person can feel safe? In this instance, "safe" means "free from physical intimidation, free from emotional battery or innuendo, and free to develop ideas and express yourself without reproach, judgment or insult". Don't expect perfection, as these are probably your first baby-steps in learning how to communicate as separated people. If the communication cannot be safe, even if you are mindful and motivated, you may not be able to run a negotiation in a direct, unsupported manner (ie. without other parties managing the communication). You may want to give it a chance regardless - you both have lots to gain: control, less expense, and less delay.
Preparation - Create Conditions for Success #1 - Your physical self affects how well you function emotionally and intellectually. Fatigue and hunger make adults cranky - just like toddlers! So come to the table rested, not over-full or hungry, and have everything you need already there - paper, pens, calculators, and documents you want to refer to. Give yourselves enough time too - set aside a couple of hours, don't rush. If the conditions are not in place, consider a short deferral to get that rest, have a sandwich, or whatever is needed.
Preparation - Conditions for Success #2 - Make the room comfortable: chairs, heat, it all matters. Is the room "neutral territory"? If not, seek out a place that both of you can live with - even outside the house if necessary. Be prepared to accommodate. Finally, have beverages (non-alcoholic) and some comfort food on hand (muffins or cookies work - avoid crunchy stuff like chips or peanuts). Sharing food and drink is a form of intimacy and symbolizes civility and basic trust. Good things!
Discussion - What are we talking about - The Master Agenda - Start with brainstorming a list of all things, big and small, important and seemingly trivial, that need to be resolved. The list should be written out, ideally on large paper that can be displayed after it is complete. The list should not be numbered. The list should not be written out in sequential list or bullets. Those things imply ranking, and that can inhibit free thought. Then just write the shortest most accurate label for each issue that needs to be addressed: "house", "cat", "life insurance", "cash flow", "debts", "parenting", "Mom's salad bowl". Write them here and there, in a random pattern around the page of paper. Most importantly, but hardest to do, is to avoid any discussion, judgment or emotion when recording any of these issues. Just write them down, knowing you will have a full opportunity to talk about all of them as they are picked off the Agenda for discussion. Discussion - How are we going to talk about it #1 - Protocols / Rules - Effective communication is not natural for most people, and is the hardest part of the work sometimes. You will each falter, so call each other on transgressions gently. Consider reading these again and again, even reviewing them at the beginning of each session.
Some final notes:
If you are able to follow these points, you may just be able to build something that you can take to the lawyers or collaborative lawyers to get some legal advice on and drafted up into a legal Separation Agreement. It is recognized that agreements built with greater levels of spousal involvement have greater "buy-in" from each party, leading to better longevity and compliance. Best of luck.
About the Author
Jackie Ramler is passionate about providing low-conflict resolution and non-court options to divorcing families. A financial planner with specialized divorce financial training, she uses the Collaborative Team Model, an approach that works on behalf of both parties, helping them reach an agreement as quickly as possible. Because no one wins in divorce. For more information and free resources, visit http://www.divorcechoices.com
Tell others about
this page:
Comments? Questions? Email Here