How to get RID of Crabs

by Allen Baker

How I Caught Crabs

Once I went to Mexico and caught crabs. When I say crabs, I don't mean the kind you boil in a big pot and eat while drinking beer. The kind of crabs I caught were little bitty bastards that bit the blood out of my privates. Some say its possible to catch crabs from having sex with cheap Mexican hookers, but I assure you I caught this a different way. I got mine from expensive "top quality" Mexican hookers. They must have been sharing a bunk with an ugly cheap hooker the night before.

Symptoms: Why I Hate Crabs

The bad thing about crabs is you don't know you have them until several weeks later. I just went back to my offshore job when I started itching around my balls. It wasn't much itching at first, maybe a scratch or two a day at first (which I believe is normal). I wasn't sure why I was itching, but I knew this – the itching was getting worse. I was working outdoors at the time and I had a feeling I was just getting sweaty down there and needed to clean myself better.

The Moment I Discovered I Had Crabs

I was on the toilet taking a "good ol' country sh*t" when the itching started again. Fortunately, the area in which I was defecating was brightly lit. This allowed me to see the little bastards digging into my skin. What happens is this: The crabs attach to your pubic hairs and slide on down to the root where they lay their eggs. Crabs feed on blood and blood alone, its how they survive. I closely examined one of these creatures; at the time, it was way more interesting than the Popular Mechanics I brought to the shitter with me. That's saying a lot because Popular Mechanics is a great publication.

My First Attempt to Kill The Crabs

I killed them one by one with my fingernails. My pelvis felt horrible after this as the pain was unbearable. I had several of their dead little insect carcasses laid out on the toilet paper roll. I think I killed about 20 of them easy. They looked just like little crabs!! At the time, this was my only way of getting them off of me, I was too embarrassed to request a medical leave. I was working on a boat and I was several hundred miles from the nearest doctor. I had to endure this pain until my work shift was over, which was two weeks. There sure was a lot of ball scratching in those two weeks, by the time I made it home again my pelvis was a sore as a newlywed Mormon.

The Solution to Killing Crabs

I was eager to learn how to eradicate these little pests and I made it top priority when I got back on land. Normally, I wouldn't want anyone to know about me having crabs, its kinda embarrassing. All embarrassment was lost after a few weeks of those little critters biting into me, heck I almost asked family for advice. I would rather have asked a stranger, I didn't want my aunts or uncles come up behind me on holidays saying "So, how are your crabs doing?" I relied on a co-worker that was soon to be canned, he just didn't know it yet. Hell who would ever know? He wasn't coming back to the boat next time, not ever. The perfect crime, so to speak. What he told me was this, "Man, what you need is some RID". I asked where I could procure such a thing and he said any drugstore will do. With this newfound knowledge I went straight to the local Eckerds (now CVS) and asked for it by name. It wasn't too expensive, hell I cant remember paying over 20 bucks for it. This stuff sure works well, it's a bargain at twice the price. I didn't read the directions at all, my ball sack was ON FIRE by that time. RID is sold in a liquid form, so I applied a liberal amount to my pubic area and rubbed it in. I let it stay on there for about an hour or so then I took a shower. When I got out, I got a fresh change of clothes (especially underwear), and threw what I had on before in the garbage can. 24 hours later the crabs were gone.

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About the Author

Allen Baker is just a regular guy who has the courage to embarrass himself for the sake of helping others. If you appreciate his efforts, post your comments to the message board (by clicking the "Message Board" button at the bottom of this page).

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