The Joy of An Ex - Working Through Conflict

Copyright (c) 2011 Jackie Ramler

Conflict cannot be resolved where there is a power imbalance that leads to abusive behaviours on the part of either of the parties. The issues of power imbalance and the safety of all parties must be addressed prior to entering conflict resolution. Power imbalances and abusive behaviours do not lead to respectful communication. If a power imbalance can be addressed in a positive manner, then the conflict can be resolved.

When two partners are unable to work through difficulties that arise in their relationship conflict develops. Conflict may occur if one partner's expectations, whether spoken or unspoken, are not met by the other person. It is important to realize that when one's expectations are not met, this can lead to a variety of feelings ranging from hurt, scared and lonely, to "You owe me."

Resolving the Conflict

The beginning of resolving the conflict is the recognition that not only does each party plays a part in the conflict; each party has the ability to choose what part to play in the conflict or in the resolution.

Barriers to Resolution

One of the major barriers to resolving conflict is the inability to recognize the part that each individual chooses to have, particularly our own. Our inability to empathize with the other person's position due to our emotional involvement leads us to personalizing the other person's behaviours. When this occurs, we tend to react out of fear rather than to respond out of thoughtfulness.

To begin to resolve conflict we have to start with the person we do have control over, and that is ourselves. Then we need to step back and ask the following questions:

What do I want to accomplish? What are my goals?

If your answer to this question is that you wish to end the relationship in a manner that leaves all parties with their self-respect and dignity intact and with the ability to move forward and reestablish life in a positive manner, then you are in a position to explore conflict resolution to resolve your situation.

What do I need to do to accomplish my goals?

You need to remember that at one time you cared enough about the other person to enter a relationship. Because the relationship has deteriorated does not mean that you did not care and were not cared for at one time. It is important not only to address the negative issues, but also to remember the positive aspects of the relationship.

What are my personal feelings? Are they rational or irrational?

You need to identify both your positive and negative feelings, for example, remembering the excitement at the beginning of the relationship, remembering feeling supported, positive communication, love, being afraid to be alone, feeling hurt and disappointed for a variety of reasons, feeling angry or unloved. It is often easiest to identify the negative feelings. You need to return to the positive feelings by drawing on what brought you together in the first place. If you focus only on the negative feelings, you will not be operating from the position of your own self-respect and dignity.

What is my attitude towards the other party?

If you feel negatively toward the other party, it is important to remember that you are in charge of changing your attitude in order to find the balance or neutrality that is needed to resolve conflict in a mutually respectful process. It is not that you won't have negative feelings; it is that you understand that you have the option of choosing to not operate negatively. At the end of the day, it is important that you respect what you have done.

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