My Fiance's Teenagers Hate Me
Dealing With An Angry Teenager
Emily, My fianc� has been divorced for five years. Right now he has a 15-year-old son and a 21-year-old daughter, who still live at his home.
I'm asking for advice about his daughter. She is opposed to our upcoming marriage since she's retained the status of "lady of the house". She feels threatened by me, and is upset that I'll be moving into their home once we are married.
She is very defensive of her territory.... and I can understand why, but she whines to her dad about trivial things. For instance, during Christmas I "whipped" the potatoes instead of mashing them. I'm concerned about moving into their home, with her being extremely territorial... and her feeling very threatened by me.
What should I do? HELP!
"Nicole"
Emily Bouchard's Response
Dear "Nicole",
The following are a few techniques that will help you support your step future daughter and even encourage her:
Be very clear that her apparent hatred for you has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Try not to take her comments personally, by telling yourself that it appears to be targeted at you but it is really about her mother.
Do not tell her that � simply tell it to yourself.
Be a mirror to her. It is essential to not only mirror what she says but also how much energy she uses. Don't be as calm as a summers morning while you tell her that you are aware of how angry she is; be powerful, intense and as noisy as she is with your statements � match her energy with yours. Not yelling at her - yelling with her.
Invite deeper exploration of feelings. Use phrases such as: "You really hate how I whip potatoes? Tell me more!" or "You are disgusted with how I'm here constantly? How does that make you feel?" At times simply remaining near her and parroting back what she says and then saying "tell me more" is the only thing you can do while she is raging on � and it will make a world of difference. If a person feels like someone else understands them, they can't help but reveal their pain underneath. If she does not begin sharing her feelings, then you're not succeeding yet � and you should try again.
When you�ve received her trust by continuing this method for some time, you may then begin to probe deeper. Start asking questions, such as: "when was the first time you ever felt this way?" or "can you remember a time when you needed to defend your territory like this in the past?" � you'll know how to word it as soon as you honestly understand the pain she's feeling. Let her determine where the real root of the problem is and absolutely don't mention her mom before she does.
-Emily Bouchard
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About the Author
Emily Bouchard is a loving stepmother to two young women who were teens when she entered their lives. She publishes a free Blended Family newsletter. To read the rest of this article visit Angry Step Kids
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