Reconnecting With Mr Right?

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Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk Sayers

I ran across a gem the other day on an online dating blog, entitled "Reconnecting with Your Old Boyfriend." I should acknowledge up-front that the premise of the article runs counter to my own philosophy. Over my years of dating (and online dating) I've come to believe there's generally a pretty good reason a relationship didn't work the first time around.

Imagine two people who have invested time and emotional energy in a relationship. With due allowance for the exceptions, we generally invest in someone else with the notion that it's worth our while...read that there's something in it for me. If it "goes south" later, it's generally because one or more of the fundamental components of the relationship stopped working for one or both.

So right out of the chute, reconnecting is accompanied by some uphill sledding; even if both parties may have forgotten why. But as I read the anonymous post, I caught myself nodding in agreement with some of her points, despite my reservations. Her points are paraphrased below, along with my inevitable editorial commentary.

1. "...begin by proving that this relationship deserves a second chance...start by improving yourself..."

COMMENT: Assuming that "he" was the one who left, being better than he expected can be a powerful argument to coax him back for a second look. It may even be worth your effort PROVIDED the "improvements" are improvements you fundamentally want to make AND will be ones he values. Both elements will need to be present, if you're to achieve the desired outcome.

2. "Cultivate the qualities your beloved is attracted to and do not act clingy or needy..."

COMMENT: Great advice whether the relationship is new or a restart...provided, of course the qualities your beloved values are qualities for which you really want to be known. If they're not, don't expect the qualities you've cultivated "for him" to be durable...or the relationship, for that matter. It's never a good idea to bend who you are for "him" without the firm conviction you will be better for the cultivation of those qualities.

3. "...take full responsibility for your own happiness by becoming independent and strong...If you make another person the center of your universe...you lose control of your life. Without getting your power back you cannot change...your current situation."

COMMENT: Amen! The most consistent catalyst of repeated disappointment may be relying on someone else for your happiness. Nothing will work if you don't.

4. "After acquiring full control (of yourself) start romancing with the person you love all over again..."

COMMENT: It's a blinding flash of the obvious so many of us are nevertheless inclined to overlook...and often just when it matters most. The reason your relationship worked, when it was working was the effort you put into it. The reason it's appeal declined is the effort you stopped putting into it; or the fundamentals that made the efforts worthwhile changed. For women, pay attention to how you look and the form your attention to him takes and how he's receiving it.

5. "When you get him back, make your relationship a priority in your life..."

COMMENT: Yep. See #4 above.

Now then. Before you try implementing the prescriptions above, hopefully you've noted there are a couple little details you should consider, first. Did you leave or did he? Depending on which is true, there will be different follow-up questions. But whichever apply, you must have pretty reliable answers to them if reconnecting is to make much sense...or to have an ice cube's chance in the hot place of working.

1. If YOU left, the three fairly obvious questions you must ask (and answer) are:

a. "What has changed that you would consider returning to the relationship you left for (presumably) very good reasons?"

b. "How much control (be honest) do you exercise over the outcome?"

c. "If I don't have complete control over the outcome, why do I believe his part in the "fix" will be successful?" (again, be honest. Pass on wishful thinking, here!)

2. If HE left, you have three different but equally important questions to consider (and answer).

a. "Do I know what caused him to leave in the first place?"

b. "If I know what went wrong, what specifically will I do differently this time?"

c. "Why do I think my change(s) in behavior will have the desired result?" (No wishful thinking!)

Relationships are tough enough to sustain without the ghosts of disappointments past. If you can't answer the questions posed above, whichever are applicable, think twice before you jump back in. You're not going to feel any better about failure the second go-round, simply because you've had experience with it...and the remorse you feel may actually be WORSE.

A final observation, before wrapping this one. Whether he left or you did, the solution must involve BOTH of you in order to work. As importantly, you need to satisfy yourself that neither of you are slipping back into the relationship because you're lonely and this is the easiest way to relieve it. If you aren't both committed to the relationship for (essentially) the same reasons, it's probably best to pass; however enticing as it looks now. Relationship restarts based on fuzzy thinking usually falter for often hauntingly familiar reasons. And that is the very nature of remorse!

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