Verbal Emotional Abuse - Are You Hit Out of the Blue?

Domestic abuse survivors notice how the verbal and emotional abuse to them shows up as though it came from out of the blue. In the moment the assault occurs they can't connect it to anything that they are doing at the time. It's like it comes "out of the blue."

But, is it really out of the blue? I don't think so. It may have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with their current involvement with their abusive partner, however that doesn't make it out of the blue.

My sense is that it is not directly connected to anything that the abused did or said...but rather from something central to the batterer's experience. So from where the victim stands, they haven't a clue as to what inspired the verbal emotional assault.

The Abuser's Verbal Emotional Blow

In your experience in an abusive relationship, have you ever wondered, "Where that character assault came from?" Chances are it came from the inner ache within the abuser. Chances are he/she was feeling vulnerable, insecure or hurt. And the striking toward you was their means of dealing with their inadequacy.

Battering is not about power. It is the expression of impotence longing omnipotence. It's not about strength. It's weakness compensating for its perceived or felt deficiency.

Many people will tell you it's about control. More accurately, it is an effort to regain the sense of lost control.

Emotional and Verbal Abuse Is Not About You

If you are carrying on with an individual who uses verbal and psychological battering, note how the character assault you receive is not about you. You can notice this by the way in which it shows up out of the blue.

Now it may be triggered by something you said or did...but still this doesn't mean it has anything at all to do with you.

For example, look at Sam and Terry. Suddenly, Terry becomes the object of Sam's disenchantment even though his character assassination isn't about her per say.

He wants her to know that she is deficient in her family/homemaking skills. Yet, she is a woman whose life centers around her nest and the people she calls family.

If Terry takes a step back and literally steps out of the line of Sam's verbal abuse fire, she will notice that his fury has a life of its own and did not arise out of her actual actions or inactions. Most likely, the raw rage sprang out of Sam's inner world and his efforts to compensate for his own pain.

If at first glance, the verbal emotional abuse appears to be coming at you from "out of the blue," rest assured that this is only an illusion. Abuse is not a random event. It is a surge of energy that serves the batterer in dealing with their inner world.

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